Today has not been a day lived with hope. It has been a day filled with angst. Yesterday I shared my post on moving and letting go of Purple Moose in its current form. The response was very positive and I felt good about it. Today someone shared the Zillow post for my house complete with pictures to my FB timeline. Suddenly I felt uncomfortable. I tried to hide the post unsuccessfully. Of course I am too much of a people pleaser to delete it. I know she meant well. But there it was. Every corner of my house exposed to see. Yikes!
Not that I wouldn't welcome any one of my FB friends into my house. I would happily do so. It's just that in person, I think you can better see the purpose of everything in it. Not to mention that I would be there to give a running commentary along the way. Here is where we do the crafting classes and all the supplies for it. This is my living space. I basically live in these two rooms. I didn't mind being squished in here when I spent the bulk of my days outside of these rooms, but now that I am stuck here all day, I am getting claustrophobic. I want a real house again that I can make pretty. I miss that. I just want a chance to explain everything.
Vulnerable. I feel very vulnerable. I feel judged and found unworthy and icky and annoyed. Blech. Not one person has made me feel that way. It was all me. Me deciding what I'm SURE is going on in at least one person's mind. Maybe in everyone's mind. Normally a ding from the phone with a notification brings me a little happy anticipation. Today it makes me flinch. Good grief. I actually was considering posting pictures of what the house looked like when I bought it so people could clearly see that it is much better than it used to be. This is why I so desperately need life 3.0. I am sitting here trying to be productive editing a Purple Moose book, with nothing else to distract me from the ding. Normally a notification is a link to people and life outside this building that I long for. But today it just makes me twitch.
Actually, I think the reintroduction to winter after faux spring has made me a tad cranky. Though pretty, and exciting while the storm was happening, the mega snow event is now annoying. I want to walk in good weather. My skills for being a good NH girl are wavering. My tough girl panties must be in the wash, lol. Truth is, life is just so much harder in the cold. All the precautions I have to take to make it less painful for me to walk in the cold weather makes me feel like I'm carting around a first born child with all the gear: feet warmers attached to to my socks, extra socks, the correct boots for the weather, glove liners, gloves, hand warmers, jacket, scarf or face warmer, hat, jacket. It takes me 20 minutes to just get ready to walk. Then there is the phone, headset, water, waist leash for the dogs, the stroller. Gaw. I just want to go for a walk...
I thought I outsmarted FB for a moment. I posted pictures of my dogs in the snow. Rylie looking annoyed as her belly rubbed the snow, Lilly laughing even though her romp in the snow was well over her head. I guess I should be more like Lilly. With pics this cute the listing post is SURE to all but disappear from others newsfeeds. Ding. Drat. Wrong post. So much for my strategy.
I think my son summed it up well when I spoke to him. He said, "Some days you feel like you can do anything, and take on anything life throws at you. Some days you just don't." Yeah, this is definitely a don't day. It has only been made grumpier by the fact that I allowed myself a bad eating day yesterday in honor of the storm. Two days in a row like that will only make me really mad at the scale (and myself) tomorrow and even more grumpy! Sigh. A grumpy day with no comfort foods is the pits.
The good news is that Rylie and Lilly really are adorable on screen and even more so in person. They are now hungry and their smiling eyes and insistent noses refuse to let me wallow in my angst. They want to be fed. They are a perfect distraction and reminder that there is always good if I just look for it. They will never let me forget that for long. They are furry sermons wrapped in love.
Ding. Hey! Maybe it is working after all. Their pictures are being noticed and I am now smiling. Well done girls! Time to reward your good behavior with food! Not to worry Milo, I see you. I'll feed you too! ;)
Kristen is a former kindergarten and special education teacher with two wonderful grown children, two precious fur-baby dogs and a mischievous cat. Diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis in September of 2016 and Multiple Sclerosis in December of 2016, and Optic Neuritis in January 2017, life has changed in a big way in a short amount of time. But HOPE springs eternal as she rediscovers and reinvents life along the way.