Life isn’t easy. We know that. We are taught that through persistence and perseverance, we can make it through adversity. I have found this to be true. The problem is, I think we often think that once we decide to push through something, that it should just happen. It doesn’t. To be fair, choosing to push through difficulty is an important step. We have to want more and choose more. But it doesn’t just happen because we think it. 
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Anniversaries are markers of time. Whether marking a happy or sad occasion, the passage of time from an event is noteworthy. I recently found myself marking two anniversaries simultaneously, with vastly different outcomes.

I was watching the news the other day at lunchtime with my mom when I realized they were talking about a 9/11 remembrance. “It’s already that time?” I wondered. Then I remembered that day has its own significance to me. I quickly did the math, and I realized that this 9/11/24 is my 8th anniversary of my Transverse Myelitis diagnosis. The MS and Optic Neuritis didn’t join the party until December 2016 and January 2017, but it was the TM that did the original damage. I like to say it “Fast Tracked” my MS. ​

8 years. 8 years ago I was in the best shape of my life, living my dreams of owning and running my own small children’s museum and starting a new teaching job at a new district that I was really excited about. Then over the course of the 3 preceding days to 9/11, I lost feeling, and eventually use of my body from the waist down. It was in the wee house of the morning on 9/11 after a spinal tap and MRI at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center that I first learned that the lesion on my spinal cord was in fact a rare disease called Transverse Myelitis.
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It was the 180 life-changing moment referred to in the hope4life180 blog title. But it was also the hope moment in the hope4life180 blog title. I had to sell my house and pause the business, but it was also when I bought my RV. It was when the Purple Moose books really took off.

Then there was my relapse in 2018 when I landed back in the hospital for 5 days and rehab for 2 weeks when I basically had to learn to walk again. This time it was thanks to my MS stepping up its game and going full secondary progressive MS on me. Still, there was hope.

​I bought my first wheelchair, my Grit, which opened the door for long distance adventures I couldn't do with just my canes. It took me solo to the Patriots Superbowl Parade in downtown Boston, including on public transportation. It took me all over New York City, in and out of cabs, to Broadway musicals, and on an amazing adventure on the High Line. I transformed my Grit and my canes into amazing Halloween costumes. It was not the life I had originally chosen, but I was still living my best life. 

But in May of 2020, it all began to change again. My mom had her two TIA falls that month and she was never the same. I went from moving back to Ohio after my father’s passing to coming back to NH to the role of sole care giver for my mom and her property. Looking back, my actions were always the best intentioned. I would care for mom and the house until she got better, or life sadly changed. I’d just put my life on hold until then. That was four years ago.
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I’m told Daddy began pouring the foundation for the house in NH when I was born. So that makes the house, er...  multiple decades old. He built it and maintained it up until his early 80s when two bad hips and numerous other health challenges began to slow him down. At least a decade passed before his passing at 92, when the house continued to age without attention.

​By the time I realized the extent of the decline it was not only overwhelming emotionally, but financially. I love my parents so much and I love that they had the chance to travel and live their lives to the fullest, but they did not financially prepare for either one of them to not be able to work, either on the house or in providing income for the end of their lives and beyond.

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So, I did what I could. I’m a fighter. I took my fighting spirit that turned the first 4 years after my diagnosis into great things and focused it on how I could help maintain the house and property. All of my energies and focus went into keeping mom healthy, safe and happy, and maintaining the NH house.

I knew it was too much as I was doing it, but when there is literally no other choice and you have broken pipes, rotting walls, and leaking roofs, you just keep doing what you can until you can’t.
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For me that was Black Friday 2023, less than 24 hours after arriving in Ohio. I had a biopsy on the tumor my MS MRI found the previous spring. Yes, I ignored it that long, because I had other things to take care of. Obviously, those things weren’t me.

​Many of you already know that began a difficult health winter for me, because a week after the biopsy, I had covid (yes, I had my shot, no mom never got sick). I recovered enough to enjoy Christmas, but by New Years I had pneumonia. It took three rounds of antibiotics including being admitted to the hospital before it finally cleared.

But a week after it cleared, I feared a relapse. Nope. I got covid again. This time I  finally got over it thanks to Paxlovid. I had my tumor surgery to prepare for, since the pathology from the biopsy was abnormal. I knew my body and the universe was trying to tell me to slow down. 

​I had to find time for me and regain some balance in order to get healthy physically and emotionally, but I honestly didn’t know how. I felt so far away from my previous joys, that I started by doing new things. I took online lessons on watercolor painting, a medium that always fascinated me. I started writing a cozy mystery book, that I think actually isn’t half bad, if I do say so myself. I joined a group that did mixed media online that stretched my artistic and creativity comfort zone, but was a blast! I was determined to continue all of these in NH, even lugging a bunch of the materials with me. I bet you already know how that went…

Once we finally arrived in NH there was just so much to do! There was an aftermath of a major winter mouse presence to deal with (way worse that the squirrel and ermine occupants from the previous winter), despite my extra efforts to contain and remove any potential food sources prior to leaving. The mice also ate a hole in my pool outside, so my way to cool off during hot, sweaty, outside work that my MS can’t tolerate was taken away until I got a new one.

​But the new smaller pool wasn’t accessible from the pool deck, so I basically had to build a bridge to link it to the pool stairs. That was challenging but rewarding when it was done! And the Pups were VERY happy they now had a place to cool off again too!

The late arrival in NH meant the field was overgrown. Unfortunately, my old mower decided it had mowed its last blade, despite my numerous efforts to resuscitate it, so I threw caution to the wind and just bought a new mower. That was great until it broke a belt and recently threw a tire. I never had those issues with the old beat-up mower. Mind you with all these repairs I had to either figure out how to do myself or find someone to do it which was not easy!
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The broken pipe damage from the winter remained to be dealt with, but wasn’t the top priority. The main bathroom septic drainpipe was also leaking when we got here, but the massive rain and flooding we had that washed away the top of our driveway more than once, rose to the top of the priority list.

​The same storms also took a huge section of the land from in front of the mudroom and threatened to wash away more in front of the house. I was working on fixing that was when I messed up my knee (on my GOOD leg). I attempted to seek medical attention 3 times, and not once was there an x-ray tech available, which was required to rule out structural issues before they could do any further testing for a real diagnosis. I finally decided it didn’t really matter anyway, because they all would say stay off it, and that was not happening! ​

​Drowning in repair costs we couldn’t afford, I took it upon myself to look into setting up a camping system Mom and I used on the way up called HIPCAMP. Basically, it is private property is rented out to campers that you can chose to accept or not. They get a lovely, private and unique stay, and you can generate some income.

I set about clearing out two sites at the lower entrance to the property in addition to listing my bigger Retro camper for rental in the cozy space I used to have for myself near the top entrance to the property. It took me most of the summer to get it ready, but by mid August I finally got it listed. I began to get bookings the day I loaded everything on the HIPCAMP site (Mormor and Grampy’s Place).

​It’s been a wonderful experience, with the exception of the bear poop I found at one site between guest stays, and a Bobcat wailing at the edge of the field another night when we thankfully had no one in tents, but did have one small trailer and one family in my bigger Reto camper. 

​ I spent any “me time” I had restoring and working on my little 65 Scotty Serro I named Eloise, that I love so dearly. This summer I bought her new tires and rims, and even had someone come to the house to put them on. Which was great until the jack he used released too fast, and the body slammed to the ground hard, splitting the side seem on the front right side.

Devastated, I went about learning how to repair said seem, and in the process resealed them all, as well as resealed the roof and repainted the body. We also finally found the vin, so for $23.00 I was finally able to register her. Unfortunately, none of the local mechanics would touch greasing the bearings, so sadly, Eloise and I never left the property.

​The pups and I did stay in her when we were full up Labor Day weekend, which was wonderful. And honestly, once I had her all decorated in my fun bright colors, there were days I would just open the door and look around and take a deep breath and smile at the hope she offered. I even stuck my art supplies I brought with me in bins under the table in hopes it would inspire me to actually use them. I only used them a couple of times, but having them there felt like possibility and hope.

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By the time I had the Hipcamp sites open though, something began to change within me.

My long to do list for the house projects was still there and very little had been addressed. I had instead spent all my time and energies addressing the immediate issues that kept popping up. I had succeeded in opening up the sites. I’d kept the house and property livable. That was enough. I didn’t want to do any more.

I was physically and emotionally drained. I wanted to begin to reclaim my own life again. So, I went back to writing a new cozy mystery and was delighted by the characters and stories that flowed onto the pages. Once some income began to be generated by the Hipcamp sites, I began to think about maybe revisiting the Purple Moose books. Perhaps I could use some of the Hipcamp money to buy the physical copies of the books to sell at places like Polly’s Pancakes and other local establishments. 
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I searched to find the files I’d last worked on to give them a bit of a refresh. They were dated September 2020. 4 years ago! It had been 4 years since I had worked on what once brought me such joy and fulfillment.

Of the 8 years since I got sick, I had literally spent the last half of it totally giving up on anything towards my own hopes and dreams. I’d almost reached a point where I truly believed they just didn’t matter anymore, and accepted that I was probably too old to do them anyways. But the realization that I let that much time slip through my fingers without realizing it was like being shocked with paddles on one of those medical dramas. I now feel almost an urgency to make up for some of the lost time.

​I have since updated all 4 of the main Purple Moose book titles and ordered the hard copies. I even created a digital version of the fall leaves book, which makes it so much more accessible to families since the print books are so expensive. I plan to eventually do digital copies for all the books. I’m determined to finish the Purple Moose Differences and Disabilities book, as well as the snow book that have been waiting in the wings for 4 year. And I want to finish writing my cozy mysteries, if only just for me. There is a spark that has ignited within me that I haven’t felt for a long time, and that is exciting. 

I hope this anniversary marks the beginning of a more positive turn of events for me. I am so pleased to finally have some focus to begin creating my own life again. But it is super important that I make it clear how hard it was to get to this point.

In summing it all up and writing it all down it is easy to think, wow, that’s so great. And it is. I’m so proud of not only what I have accomplished, but that I have finally gotten to this place of refocus.

But it was hard. It was dark and lonely and painful. I mean seriously. It took me 4 years to get to this place of understanding, and there is no guarantee I'll be able to stay here. ​I had a friend check in on me at the beginning of the summer to make sure I was ok. He said you have been uncharacteristically quiet. He was right. I gave him a brief overview of life and said I’d share when I had something good to share. I was quiet for a long time.
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​There are times when the pace of life comes at you too fast. When life throws relentless curveballs, and you are exhausted from trying to dodge, catch or hit them. This has been my winter, spring, and now summer…
 
I’d hoped for a bit of a restful and rebuilding winter. You know, the kind that you see on tv, where there are books read, cozy fires etc. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead, the next several months held frustrations, fear and overwhelming discouragement and fatigue.  I as I weathered one month after another, the weight of the cumulative  discouragement and fatigue caused me to retreat inward. As mom's care requires more and more time, effort, and patience, it leaves me with little leftover to deal with the rest of life, and there has been A LOT of life to deal with.

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​After the Christmas decor was put away, and the winter decorations created, I was ready to find that recovery time. We had survived covid in December, so it seemed like a good bet that January would truly bring a fresh start. Boy, was I wrong! Instead, it brought an unknown leg issue for mom, requiring two visits to two separate ER’s and zero answers as to why she suddenly lost the ability to put weight on one of her legs. Gratefully, the serious things were eventually ruled out, and her limited mobility returned, but there were no answers as to why it happened. It did really shine a light on the fact that without some mobility for mom, me caring for her became almost impossible. It was a sobering realization, but one I didn’t have long to reflect on, because shortly after that, I got an infection in my eyelid. It was out of the blue and uncomfortable with no clear cause given from the doctors. It lasted way longer than I felt was necessary, but it wasn't contagious, so there was that. Ugh.

​​About the time my eye cleared up, mom woke up one morning and informed me she has lost two of her front teeth in her sleep. Apparently, the grinding I’d warned her about had come to fruition. That meant the rest of the month was spent with dentist appointments, molds and partials. Throughout this time I was also trying to deal with an issue with Medicaid that was not my fault, but my responsibility to fix with no clear or easy way to do so. It’s not like it was stressful or anything… twitch…twitch….

At the end of January, I finally sold my big camper! Yay! This was sure to turn things around! However, due to the previous Medicaid issues and their strict resource requirements, I had to get the new smaller camper and bigger car I’d been carefully researching immediately to avoid further issues.

I found the car I wanted in Richmond VA near my brother and son, and after some hefty negotiating, mom and I made a quick trip down to trade in my car and pick the new one up. Yay! But before I could head to northern Ohio to get the new camper, a fluid was discovered leaking from my new to me car. Turns out it was transmission fluid, something that was supposed to be covered with the car, but nothing that would come without a hard fight and numerous calls. Meanwhile, the car wasn’t supposed to be driven and it had to be serviced at a dealership. I was 3 weeks without the car. The dealership had had it longer than I had. By the time I got it back the temporary plates were expiring, requiring another round of calls begging for an additional set. In the end, the place where I bought it did everything I asked of them. I just wish it had happened without the stress and constant contact from me. 
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​By now my new camper had been sitting in northern OH for much longer than anticipated waiting for me. When the day arrived for me to finally pick it up, I was excited, but I was also sadly aware that I was also very tired. I hoped that a bit of the sparkle I had been missing would return as I began to set up my new mobile she shed. But Mother Nature wasn’t having any part of it. It got cold and miserable, making setting up the camper a chore rather than a joy. My body and spirit were tired and the cold and my joints did not appreciate each other. Making everything fit in my downsized travel trailer took way more time and effort than I expected, and it all had to be done in the hour and a half I had between mom care in the morning and the 3 hours, if I was lucky in the afternoon. Not to mention I had to share that time with furbaby care, laundry, and basic life tasks, and my MS body, that does what it wants, regardless of my plans. I started to worry if I would be able to get everything sorted and into the camper before needing to go to NH. I hated to leave the camper behind, but I didn't want to take it without going through all the boxes and bins from the big camper first. 

April didn't start off any easier as mom broke her new partial, since it turns out she is unable to take them in and out in the way they need to be handled. Add another 2 items to my morning and evening checklists. Sigh, not my favorite task. This required another round of dental visits, right before we were trying to get back to NH. (I have to say though, the folks at Aspen Dental could not have been more helpful through it all. A bright spot in a sea of frustration.)

Time was running out, though. as NH requires new registrations to be done in person. The question became whether to leave the camper behind in Ohio and go to NH to do the registration in a timely manner and come back to Ohio for the camper later or stay until the camper is ready and become illegal and wait to go back. Though it did create a lot more driving, I really wanted to just get everything legal, which would also allow me to take the camper on an inaugural camping trip to meet a favorite cozy mystery author when I returned. An issue with my son’s car that died on the interstate in VA helped make the decision easier and we took off and picked him up on our way to NH. Having the extra driver was a real blessing and we drove through the night to get back.

Our first stop in NH was McDonalds for some breakfast in Littleton. Even though my plates on the car were from VA, the “nice lady” behind me in line was kind enough to inform me that my plates were going to expire. I did not reply with the comments in my head and instead replied with a deep sigh and yes I know, thank you. The registration place in Jefferson is only open 1 ½ days a week so the rush was on. Once there, it didn’t matter that I had sold and traded in my old vehicles before the old registrations expired, in the state of NH’s eyes, it had not been renewed so my PMOOSE and PMBRLY plates were now null and void and not useable. Whatever. It’s not like I have time to write or use the camper anyway, right?... Grrrr.  At least I can still put it on the wall in the camper.
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Though the temps were uncharacteristically warm when we arrived, there was still snow on the mountains and not a leaf to be seen in Jefferson. Spring comes hard in the north country.

I wish that was the worst of the NH return. Instead, we entered the house after driving all night to find it completely trashed by squirrels and mice. I parked mom in her chair in the living room and we spent the next three hours after arriving (after driving all night) trying to vacuum and clean the floors and surfaces enough to even be able to feel safe letting the dogs inside from the porch where they'd been banished and the cat out from the carrier. What a mess! The (hopefully) final squirrel was ushered out through the porch door on morning after our arrival. I confess, the memory of a very surprised Jeffrey at the dining room table and his reaction to his surprise furry breakfast companion does bring a smile to my face at the thought, lol. Squirrels are only cute OUTSIDE.
 
A good warm meal might have helped, but apparently the propane tank was empty, so the only cooking that could be done was on the camper grill I’d left in the garage, or the counter oven/air fryer.​ I decided to just pretend I was camping....

Ah, but it gets better. While helping with outdoor cleanup, Jeff heard water running despite the warm, dry weather. It appeared to be coming from outside under the mudroom. I recalled the helper from a previous winter mentioning something about a leak under there, but I never really understood what he was talking about. I guess this was it. We shut off the water to deal with it the next day. At least it was warm so the heat wasn't as important. Besides the toilet upstairs wasn’t working anyway, so I already had to fill the tank manually. What’s a little more inconvenience at this point?
 
The next day I pulled on the work clothes and dove into the leaking panel. Despite careful planning in the removal of the panel, I was rewarded with a gush of copper colored water bathing me, while dropping a long section of copper piping in my lap. Great. I did some problem solving to help shut off the water supply to this area before Jeff pointed out it was not just one panel, but two. I was less strategic with this removal, not caring what mess would emerge. Maybe not my best decision. Soaked insulation fell in clumps around me as Jeff stared at me in disbelief at my impulsive move. A shower would have been great, but we had no water, so a trip to the pond to at least wash off my truly “copper-toned” my feet and legs had to do. ​

The outside pipe was still dripping, but not pouring water after I attempted to shut off the water to that zone. Listening to the clanging pipes trying to get water to the hot water heating system told me a call to the furnace guy was in order. He said he would come the next day, and we would once again leave the water off. In the meantime, Jeff and I got the propane tank filled. At least we could use the stop top again right? Well, that would have worked great, but the top of the tank apparently has a leak at the turn on value. Probably why it was empty in the first place. I’d like to think I would have caught that if I hadn’t been so overwhelmed with everything else. Back to camp cooking...
 
The furnace guy arrived early the following morning and shook his head in disbelief. He has been at the house so many times this fall and winter, that we are now on a first name basis. We tried to isolate the zone, but it still was dripping. Turns out the drip was the least of our problems. When the leaking pipe ran all winter, it apparently ran the well down, pulling in silt into the furnace pipes, and burnt out the auto fill, the circulator and the motor. Sometimes, there truly is no rest for the weary.
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The camper series was the first of Tonya’s series I discovered, just about a year ago as we made the long trip back to NH from Ohio listening to audiobooks. The titles of the books in the camper series all have three words that start with the same letter which give a clue to the story within. I was immediately hooked! They not only gave me the escape and virtual friends I so needed, but eventually also introduced me to a group of actual women through a Zoom book club lead by Tonya herself! I so look forward to this group every month. It's a really fun community where we can share our joys, struggles, and laugh a lot, as well as discussing Tonya’s and other author's books. It really has helped create a spark and been a bright spot each month. After listening to one of her recent releases, I decided to use her formula to create my own title for this period in my life. I came up with  “Setbacks, Stamina, and Stained Glass”.  I think it fits.

Jeff and I did what we could to clean up, fix up, and bandaid everything in NH until I could come back. We needed to leave to get Jeff back for a job he had lined up in VA and to get me back to finish up and get my camper in Ohio. We ended up doing another all night drive, and as per usual, little went according to plan. But eventually we all got to where we needed to be.
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The weather was now warmer in OH, so it wasn't as hard to finish the camper setup. A perk of being back in Ohio for Mother's Day was an amazing visit from my daughter Kari and her husband Patrick. The weather was gorgeous, the food was yummy, and my heart was full. The down side was that it made it that much harder to know we had to leave again.

After the camper was ready, I pondered my next steps. NH was waiting with all the projects waiting for attention, but my missed camping excursion made me cranky. Instead of turning right around and going straight back to NH with the now loaded camper, we combined our next move to allow Mom and I to try out the new camper while connecting with Jeff again in VA. We were still trying to sort out his car situation, and every time we thought we had it fixed, it wasn't. There could be a whole blog post of activity from just that last sentence, but know it was more or the same. Rise, persevere, continue. Mom was a trooper, and we got a quick education on my new camper and towing setup, while boondocking at several Richmond area Boondockers Welcome homes. Even in the rain, there were some lovely moments, especially when Jeffrey showed us around some of his favorite Richmond sites. Mom marveled at how tall the trees were. I must say, she loves our drives and travels!

​Eventually, Jeffrey was united with a working vehicle, though it took three attempts with various repairs to get it so. We were assured it was now a solid vehicle that should last for years. More on that later....

​All our daily concerns became trivial when we learned of the sudden and horribly aggressive cancer death of a young cousin, taking him from running 25 miles a week to his death in just over a couple weeks time. He left behind a wife and two young daughters, and a thriving PT practice. It was devastating to everyone who knew him.  We lost his mom too soon just a year and a half ago, so this seemed a cruel and heartless blow to the family. Suddenly, the frailty of life was brought into perspective. We were able to time our trip north to allow us to attend his service, and hold our family close.

Since the service was held in RI, we were able to savor a quick visit with my uncle and aunt who live there.  My visits with them have always been a time of healing and rest for me and this time was no different. Views of the cove, and walks to the beach combined with good food, company, and furbabies began to pull me from the winter depression and darkness I had been trapped in. They are moments I hold dear and cherish.

Recently though, I found a quote that gave me a glimmer of hope. It was from a book we read for my zoom bookclub. It was a simple line from another cozy mystery book called “Beyond the Boardwalk” by Summer Prescott. “Rita squared her shoulders, held her head high, and marched to the door. If there was a crisis, she would handle it. That was her superpower.”  Wait, that’s my superpower too, I thought!

Then I found another quote from one of my favorite retailers “Natural Life”. “It’s ok if all you did today was survive.” Yes! Surviving matters. Continuing matters. It isn’t just the big wins that count, but the showing up every day for the same mundane, but equally important tasks that matters. 

I looked back at my pictures searching for that quote and saw pictures of the moose Jeff and I saw while in NH in April. A blessing indeed! There were silly pictures with Jeff. and I. Further back there were pics from an IKEA trip that I thought mom might enjoy, while forgetting how hard it was to get through that store, and where I subsequently lost, but then found through a good Samaritan, my phone. The stories may not be the joyful ones I want, but they are still stories, and If I look closely, there is always a spark of light in each one, even if it is small. My stained glass moments.
 
So, my inspirational message to myself and anyone else reading this is sometimes just showing up is a victory. Doing it repeatedly is a superpower. Stamina, in the face of adversity is how you get through. Life isn’t just a series of sprints. Sometimes, it’s a marathon. This has been a very long hill I have been climbing, but I have continued to climb. It’s not just the big wins that counts, but all the mundane little ones along the way that move us forward. It IS ok if all you did today was survive.
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I think I’m going to start posting hopeful and encouraging quotes to my “Hope4life180” page again, if only to remind myself that every day I rise is a day already won. When I start to post pics of my pups again and comment on fun “National Days of…” you’ll know I’m beginning to emerge from the cave. For so long I haven’t been able to share anything light because it seemed to dismiss the heavy darkness I fought behind the scenes. But I have begun to notice moments of joy again and see that even a dim light can light the way.  That is hope. 
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​I wrote the above in May. Before I could find the will or time to post it, June had arrived. Upon arriving again in NH, it held cold, rainy, weather, and an overgrown field demanding attention to keep critters at bay while the fur babies played, not to mention all the bandaided things we left in April, still needing attention. The well water is now discolored, so we are getting water every few days from a nearby spring for drinking and adding addressing that concern to the ever growing to do list.

​The latest sucker punch is that the car we worked so hard to repair and get to Jeff was stolen, with much of his day to day and treasured items, as he was traveling in it at the time. It has been a nightmare of calls to insurance and the police, that has recreated sleepless nights and a weariness that has once again settled deep within my soul. Everything that needs to be done here at the house is overwhelming, and the toll of number of times I have to go up and down the stairs to my childhood bedroom every day, along with all the outdoor tasks, have brought a level of physical fatigue I haven't felt since, well, last summer. I’m not ok, but I’m holding onto hope that I will be. For now, my fur babies lay at my feet, sensing I need their presence to ground me in a sea of uncertainty. The forecast keeps calling for warmer weather, but northern NH hasn’t seemed to get the message. The calendar pic above that I borrowed from a friend can add more rain to days 28 and 29. I long for temps above low 70s. I'm holding out hope mother nature will be kinder in July.
 
But I’m trying to dig deep. I choose and put on my ZOX bracelets with intent to remind me of the messages hidden on the inside that I need to hear. Still I rise. Never give up. Continue. The bracelets I struggle to put on are the ones reminding me care for myself, and choose my needs. I think that choice is the hardest, and yet it is screaming in my ears and heart, if I choose to listen. But it is stirring, and I’m allowing myself to hear it as a whisper, and that is a start. Baby steps. Posting this makes me say it out loud, admit it and sets a path for me to follow with some accountability.​

Recently though, I had a moment that made me smile, gave me hope, and joy all at once. It is related to a previous post I wrote about " Finding Joy". I've inserted the link below in case you are interested in the back story. ​

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This story begins last summer when 2 friends and I emptied the final items from the old camper to be stored until the time came to use them again. While we were packing, I suddenly remembered the "joy" sticker from the above post. I asked them about it, when I realized its previous place of honor was no longer in the camper. My friend swore it was in one of the boxes, but couldn't recall which one it was in. I knew it was in there somewhere, and accepted the fact that it would surface again when I needed it.

​Fast forward to last week while I was trying to decide if I could make space for my small portable DVD player, in a camper that has space, but apparently not the weight allowances for all I want to travel with. As I pulled out the Vera Bradley bag that held my mini player, I gasped! There it was. My JOY! Not only had I found it, but it was stuck to one of my old business cards from when I had the Purple Moose Discovery Center, my children's museum, and motivator for my Purple Moose books.

Today that came as a random song on the radio. It was an oldie from Jodee Messina that lead me down a delightful rabbit hole of music that filled my heart, and had me singing along loudly! Well, until mom complained about the music being too loud, lol. Figures we were on our way back from getting her ears cleaned out and her hearing aids tuned up, lol. Still, once I put in my single headset to sing to, my vocals were the first time I had sung in months. Talk about losing a huge part of yourself! Once we got home and got everyone settled inside, I might have even taken 10 minutes to sneak into the car alone and crank my awesome car stereo I've never really taken advantage of and sang along at the top of my lungs. Hey, it was raining, no one was on the road and I'm in rural NH. It's a perk, and one of the rabbit hole song seemed appropriate, in message and weather.

May these moments of joy continue to multiply and be enough to fuel the hope I need to get through whatever challenges each day brings.

​I had someone tell me recently, that I was one of the strongest people they knew. It was intended as a compliment, and I took it as such. But it did get me thinking. To be strong implies, well, strength. Doing difficult things and making it look easy. I’m writing this to shed a little bit more light on that process.
 
Here’s the thing. When you really think about it, all strength, physical or emotional, is born from pain. 

​March is MS Awareness month. It’s an opportunity to educate people about MS; What it is, what it means, and why it is important to learn about it. Here’s the problem. It makes people uncomfortable. People are uncomfortable with pain. They don’t like to talk about it, they are reluctant to share it when they are experiencing it, and they often look for quick fixes to allow them to change the subject. But discomfort doesn’t have to build walls between people. Instead, it can be an opportunity for empathy.