Strong

​I had someone tell me recently, that I was one of the strongest people they knew. It was intended as a compliment, and I took it as such. But it did get me thinking. To be strong implies, well, strength. Doing difficult things and making it look easy. I’m writing this to shed a little bit more light on that process.
 
Here’s the thing. When you really think about it, all strength, physical or emotional, is born from pain. 

​When you go to a gym to work out, your muscles hurt afterwards. Adrenaline might get you started, but soon after the reality of the pain kicks in. That is part of the process. It is the tearing down before building up. I believe, this is the main reason why many people never find their way to a place of physical or emotional strength. We hate pain. Rather than confront it and push through it, we do everything in our power to avoid it, or at least distract ourselves from it. We stop when things get hard. We look for something else that is easier. We find ways to dull or numb the pain. We avoid pain at all costs. But the truth is, without pushing through the pain, we do not get stronger. 

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​Here is the second key element to strength. Persistence. It is knowing something is going to be hard, and probably hurt, but doing it anyway. It's not giving up, despite the pain. It's showing up again and again, even when it's hard. I like to think of myself as very persistent. I can be a bit of a stubborn bulldog sometimes and not let things go. This is a trait that both serves me well and can be a tad self-destructive at times. It is what propels me forward when I face hard things. It is the dogged determination to not be defeated. I suspect, this is what most people think of, when they think about what makes a person strong. There is no strength without the physical and/or metal commitment to return to the gym. But just because I am persistent, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I think people forget that. Muscles don’t get stronger by going to the gym and lifting 10-pound weights forever. Oh, there is indeed value in that, but to lift heavy things, you need strong muscles. That means enduring the pain that comes with the process. Persistence means a willingness to return to the pain in order to get the job done. 

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​This is the part I really want you to know. Part of being strong sucks. It hurts. It is not easy. There are so many times when I want to give up. There are times I fight against bitterness. I get angry at not just having to deal with the things I am dealing with, but that for most of this journey, it is something I have to do alone. I pout. I get angry. I sulk. I do all the avoidance things. But it is not until I allow the real tears of sorrow to roll down my cheeks, that I know I have faced the pain. Then, the next step becomes my choice. Do I stay in the sadness, or do I get up and do the hard things required to move forward? 

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​I am NOT writing this for sympathy. In fact, I kind of hate that. I don’t want you to feel badly for me. I always kinda cringe inwardly when I see someone who puts a care emoji on one of my posts. Not because I don’t appreciate it, but because I feel like the situation doesn't really call for it. Save them for the big things. The deaths, the big mountains of loss. I can’t afford to look at every daily struggle in my life as something requiring sympathy. I’d never get out of bed otherwise. We don’t send sympathy to someone going to the gym daily. Ok, that might be a bad example. I kinda hate gym posts because they just make me feel guilty because I don’t do what they do. I share hard things because I want you to know that just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we can’t get through them. I want to encourage people. I don’t want to be the gym posts that make you feel bad about yourself. I do want you to know that being strong doesn’t mean it is easy. Just because you see the accomplishment, doesn’t mean there wasn’t a struggle. My goal is to send the message we can all do hard things. Hard things are easier when we do them together. But what does that look like? 

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​In leaving Ohio, I’ve found myself annoyed recently by a well-intended, but annoyingly frequent, trite response of  “So sorry. Hugs” It pisses me off every time, and yet, I know those response come from a place of great care, but not knowing what else to say or do. And I much appreciate those words to the silence of no response at all. So, I asked myself, what is it you really want to hear? I gave it serious thought, and this is what I came up with Either offer to help, join me in the hard place, or cheer me on. What does that look like? 

​Help.
If you have the ability to help or make some part of someone’s struggle easier, do so. Or, offer to do so, and then actually follow through and do it. Please don’t offer if you can’t follow through. That just makes it harder. It is very hard to ask for help, but harder still to do so and be met with silence. The worst though, is when help is offered and not followed through on. This is not intended to guilt anyone! I am just trying to be honest with what it feels like from my perspective. This is my journey, and I don’t expect anyone else to do it for me. It is my battle to fight. But a helping hand now and then, does go a long way to smooth the road.

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​Join me.
 Sometimes, we just need to vent. We need to roll around in the mud and be angry and pissy and complain. I have a dear friend who is wonderful about letting me be a mess, without trying to fix or change it for me. She comes alongside me and lets me wallow and I know she will pull me out if I get stuck there. Usually, after I listen to myself complain enough though, it motivates me into action to move from that place. Remember, pain is part of the “strong” process. The messy part is a big part of the pain. It’s ok to complain. It's ok to be yucky. It’s just not ok to stay there. Taking the time to read these blog posts is a huge way for you to come alongside me in this. That is what makes it a shared load. It is a real gift and the biggest way to help me in my journey. But I am very aware that joining me requires not only effort and time, but the willingness for you to allow yourself to experience some of the discomfort and pain I feel in this journey. That is not an easy task and probably the hardest of the three to do. So, thank you for taking the time to read this and being willing to walk beside me for a while. Your sacrifice in doing so does not go unnoticed and is appreciated.

​Cheer me on.
 I cannot say enough how important this part is. More than help, or joining me, the cheerleaders are what really get me through everything, everyday. They are the ones that see the humor in the craziness and laugh with me. They are the ones that know that this is hard, and love that I’m still kicking it! I love when people laugh about and love my crazy tales and antics. Life is like running a marathon. Having people cheer you on from the sidelines, is often just enough to get you through the next hard patch. You run much of a marathon on your own, but those cheering moments, make the journey so much easier!

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So, yes, I am strong. I am also broken, weak and face pain. That is ok. They are not mutually exclusive. You can’t really have one without the other. You are strong too. The pain you face is the exact pain that will make you stronger.  Just remember, we won’t be strong all the time. Pain is part of the process. Just don’t get struck in the pain without the persistence to push through the other side to strength. Equally, don’t spend your persistence avoiding and pretending there is no pain.
 
Help others when you can. Come along side as you are able. And always cheer each other on as we run. We’ve got this. Together.
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Thank you for joining me in this journey.