Dear Evan Hansen,

​My name is Kristen Steele. I am the fourth solo on the "Dear Evan Hansen Virtual Choir". On Sunday, September 2 at 3:00, I finally got to see Dear Evan Hansen performed. I was there with my son. It's hard to put into words how much this moment will mean to me, but I will try. This my story. The story of why and how I auditioned, and the incredible impact not only the show has had on me, but the honor and timing of being chosen to be included in the Virtual Choir.  

​Until 2 years ago I was a healthy, active woman in her early 50's. I was in the best shape of my adult life. I was a teacher. I had created my own children's museum, a personal dream. I had begun working to publish the children's books that I first wrote while teaching kindergarten. I had the joy and honor of performing on stage with a local summer repertoire theatre, with incredible talent from NYC that came north every summer. Life finally seemed to be falling into place. On 9/11/2016, that all changed for me. My legs stopped working properly. Pins and needles and numbness slowly crept from my feet to my waist, leaving me numb. I was diagnosed with a rare condition called Transverse Myelitis, which is inflammation on the spinal cord that causes nerve damage. There is no prevention or cure. With treatment, I made some improvement, but life as I knew it had changed in a big way.

Accepting my new self was no simple task. I have always struggled with a sense of value and worth, starting in Junior High when bullying led me to seriously consider ending my struggle. I didn't follow through, choosing instead to keep fighting the battle. Now several decades later, facing my new reality brought forth the darkness of feeling alone once again. The Dear Evan Hansen Soundtrack became a beacon of hope. The words and music gave me the strength and encouragement I desperately needed.

I don't really remember how I first learned of the Virtual Choir audition, but when I did, a little voice inside me said "Do it!" As a grown woman, I thought I was being ridiculous. This was certainly for the younger generation. Still, the message of the show had resounded with me loudly. I related to the young characters from my youth. I related to the moms, as my own son had gone down a dark path for several years with me feeling helpless and " without a map" to know how to navigate. And I related as a human with a broken body and heart. I needed the message more than ever.

My mom was 85 at the time. She has been a music teacher for decades. We turned back the hands of time and she sat at the piano and helped me work at the rhythms of the sheet music I printed out. We practiced in her music room (she still teaches piano) and with the tape. I slowly grew more comfortable with the music as written, not just the random parts I used to sing along with the soundtrack.
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I didn't decide to record anything until the evening it was due. The sense of feeling silly gave way to a sense of urgency. It became a matter of principle. I'd put in the work, I just needed to do it. I spent hours trying to get it perfect. I listened to my recordings, but only the beginning parts. At 11:30 at night I finally listened to my entire recording. My page turns where incredibly noisy. I was heartsick! I tried to record it differently, but at that point, my voice was hoarse from singing for several hours straight. The noisy page turn version was all I could use. I chose one of the numerous recordings, filled out the permissions and hit submit. I knew I had done the best I could, and I was proud that I had followed through, but my expectations were low. ​

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​To be honest, once I submitted it, I mostly forgot all about it. Ok, I did check to see that it had been viewed, but once I saw that, I just let it go. Life slowly became a dark place.  I was no longer able to continue to teach. I also knew I would have to sell my house and shut down the children's museum I had worked so hard to create. My heart was broken. I felt alone. One day, I walked with my canes and my two dogs down the quiet, dirt, road that my parents lived on. In the stillness, I called out to the heavens and said, "I know I should continue to have hope, but I feel hopeless. Please, give me a sign that there is still meaning left for me in this world." I finished our walk, and returned to my home. I didn't really expect an answer, but I felt good just to say it out loud. 

One day, I walked with my canes and my two dogs down the quiet, dirt, road that my parents lived on. In the stillness, I called out to the heavens and said, "I know I should continue to have hope, but I feel hopeless. Please, give me a sign that there is still meaning left for me in this world." I finished our walk, and returned to my home. I didn't really expect an answer, but I felt good just to say it out loud.
The next afternoon, I was sitting at my computer randomly scrolling through Facebook when I saw a link to the "Dear Evan Hansen Virtual Choir" video. My heart skipped a beat. I had not heard anything from anyone, so I assumed I was not included in it. I was ok with that. Still, I really wanted to see it! I clicked the link.

I was in awe! How amazing the beginning was! I watched as the first lines began to play. Solos? I never expected they'd do solos. How cool for those people! When I first saw my face I didn't believe it was me. I didn't believe I was actually singing. Maybe it was just my face. As I listened, I started to cry. I stopped the video and rewound it. I was SURE it was a mistake. I was imagining it. I was sure I wouldn't be in it if I played it again. Yet, there I was. I didn't even finish watching the whole video at that moment. I called my mom and sobbed into to phone. "I made the video!". It took a few tries before she could even understand what I was saying.

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When got off the phone and calmed down a bit, I went back and watched the whole thing. Again and again. I had asked for a sign that I still mattered. Today I was Solo #4 in a song that's message is "You Are Not Alone!" I was not the only older person in the video. Everyone matters. It is a message I firmly believed for everyone, but myself. It's meaning washed over me in an incredible wave of emotion. It continues to every time I hear it. If I begin to doubt, I need only to turn on the soundtrack, or click the YouTube link. I'm still a little surprised every time I see me.
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Since then, I've had a relapse that makes it even more difficult for me to walk long distances, but I'm more determined than ever. I'm writing a blog (hope4life180.com) and new Purple Moose books and hoping to publish them soon. I'm working to go into schools and share the learning experiences. I've joined with the local library to offer my Discovery Center programs as an outreach for the community. Who knows? Maybe, I’ll actually follow through on my desire to put together a theatre group for people and kids of all abilities. Life is not easy or perfect. I still struggle to accept my new limitations and some days are just hard. But my heart is strong and my will is fierce.

​Thank you to every single person involved with Dear Evan Hansen and the Virtual Choir team. Thank you for hope renewed and blessings for me to pay forward. I will do my very best to spread the message of “You Are Not Alone”.

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Virtual Choir video link

​Epilogue: Watching the show was everything I dreamed of and more. My son was as moved as I was, seeing not only parts of himself, but me in the characters. He has found his way now beautifully, and it was so special to share this experience with him. I really didn’t think there was anything more I could add to this story, but there was more to come!
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I waited for the artists to come to the stage door to get signatures that would mean more to me than they would ever know. I had joked about saying “I’m soloist #4 from the Virtual Choir video. Would you like my autograph?" Of course, I was so struck by each one of them, I just soaked up the moments to say hello and thank you. Then Dan Macke, the actor who played Connor that performance stopped and looked at me. He said, “You look familiar to me. Have we met?” I laughed in disbelief and said, “Well, actually, I was soloist #4 in the Virtual Choir video”. He said, “Really? That’s amazing!” Then the guy standing next to me turned to me and said, “Then I’ve seen you too!” I truly was speechless. Once again, I was overwhelmed with the wonder of this show that kept lifting me up in the most amazing ways.

The funny thing is, he really did recognize me! I couldn't shake the feeling he was right and that our lives had crossed paths somewhere. On a hunch, I messaged my friend Jadene, who knows everyone at the theatre that used to be my summer home away from home. She confirmed that we had indeed met there. We both performed at the Weathervane Theatre when he was an intern there. How cool is that! He was the understudy today for Connor and I can't imagine anyone else in that role. Getting to see him in the show and having him recognize me, just makes it all the sweeter! Thanks to social media, I was able to send him a message (and he could see we had 20 mutual friends, so he knew I wasn't a complete stalker ;) ). I was thrilled when I heard back from him and that he did indeed remember me from being in the King and I together a couple years ago! Getting to see him in this amazing role, having him recognize me and responding to my message just keeps the magical inspiration of this show going! It’s just another wink from above making me smile and spreading hope!