 There are times when the pace of life comes at you too fast. When life throws relentless curveballs, and you are exhausted from trying to dodge, catch or hit them. This has been my winter, spring, and now summer… I’d hoped for a bit of a restful and rebuilding winter. You know, the kind that you see on tv, where there are books read, cozy fires etc. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead, the next several months held frustrations, fear and overwhelming discouragement and fatigue. I as I weathered one month after another, the weight of the cumulative discouragement and fatigue caused me to retreat inward. As mom's care requires more and more time, effort, and patience, it leaves me with little leftover to deal with the rest of life, and there has been A LOT of life to deal with. January After the Christmas decor was put away, and the winter decorations created, I was ready to find that recovery time. We had survived covid in December, so it seemed like a good bet that January would truly bring a fresh start. Boy, was I wrong! Instead, it brought an unknown leg issue for mom, requiring two visits to two separate ER’s and zero answers as to why she suddenly lost the ability to put weight on one of her legs. Gratefully, the serious things were eventually ruled out, and her limited mobility returned, but there were no answers as to why it happened. It did really shine a light on the fact that without some mobility for mom, me caring for her became almost impossible. It was a sobering realization, but one I didn’t have long to reflect on, because shortly after that, I got an infection in my eyelid. It was out of the blue and uncomfortable with no clear cause given from the doctors. It lasted way longer than I felt was necessary, but it wasn't contagious, so there was that. Ugh. About the time my eye cleared up, mom woke up one morning and informed me she has lost two of her front teeth in her sleep. Apparently, the grinding I’d warned her about had come to fruition. That meant the rest of the month was spent with dentist appointments, molds and partials. Throughout this time I was also trying to deal with an issue with Medicaid that was not my fault, but my responsibility to fix with no clear or easy way to do so. It’s not like it was stressful or anything… twitch…twitch…. February At the end of January, I finally sold my big camper! Yay! This was sure to turn things around! However, due to the previous Medicaid issues and their strict resource requirements, I had to get the new smaller camper and bigger car I’d been carefully researching immediately to avoid further issues. I found the car I wanted in Richmond VA near my brother and son, and after some hefty negotiating, mom and I made a quick trip down to trade in my car and pick the new one up. Yay! But before I could head to northern Ohio to get the new camper, a fluid was discovered leaking from my new to me car. Turns out it was transmission fluid, something that was supposed to be covered with the car, but nothing that would come without a hard fight and numerous calls. Meanwhile, the car wasn’t supposed to be driven and it had to be serviced at a dealership. I was 3 weeks without the car. The dealership had had it longer than I had. By the time I got it back the temporary plates were expiring, requiring another round of calls begging for an additional set. In the end, the place where I bought it did everything I asked of them. I just wish it had happened without the stress and constant contact from me. March By now my new camper had been sitting in northern OH for much longer than anticipated waiting for me. When the day arrived for me to finally pick it up, I was excited, but I was also sadly aware that I was also very tired. I hoped that a bit of the sparkle I had been missing would return as I began to set up my new mobile she shed. But Mother Nature wasn’t having any part of it. It got cold and miserable, making setting up the camper a chore rather than a joy. My body and spirit were tired and the cold and my joints did not appreciate each other. Making everything fit in my downsized travel trailer took way more time and effort than I expected, and it all had to be done in the hour and a half I had between mom care in the morning and the 3 hours, if I was lucky in the afternoon. Not to mention I had to share that time with furbaby care, laundry, and basic life tasks, and my MS body, that does what it wants, regardless of my plans. I started to worry if I would be able to get everything sorted and into the camper before needing to go to NH. I hated to leave the camper behind, but I didn't want to take it without going through all the boxes and bins from the big camper first. April April didn't start off any easier as mom broke her new partial, since it turns out she is unable to take them in and out in the way they need to be handled. Add another 2 items to my morning and evening checklists. Sigh, not my favorite task. This required another round of dental visits, right before we were trying to get back to NH. (I have to say though, the folks at Aspen Dental could not have been more helpful through it all. A bright spot in a sea of frustration.) Time was running out, though. as NH requires new registrations to be done in person. The question became whether to leave the camper behind in Ohio and go to NH to do the registration in a timely manner and come back to Ohio for the camper later or stay until the camper is ready and become illegal and wait to go back. Though it did create a lot more driving, I really wanted to just get everything legal, which would also allow me to take the camper on an inaugural camping trip to meet a favorite cozy mystery author when I returned. An issue with my son’s car that died on the interstate in VA helped make the decision easier and we took off and picked him up on our way to NH. Having the extra driver was a real blessing and we drove through the night to get back. Our first stop in NH was McDonalds for some breakfast in Littleton. Even though my plates on the car were from VA, the “nice lady” behind me in line was kind enough to inform me that my plates were going to expire. I did not reply with the comments in my head and instead replied with a deep sigh and yes I know, thank you. The registration place in Jefferson is only open 1 ½ days a week so the rush was on. Once there, it didn’t matter that I had sold and traded in my old vehicles before the old registrations expired, in the state of NH’s eyes, it had not been renewed so my PMOOSE and PMBRLY plates were now null and void and not useable. Whatever. It’s not like I have time to write or use the camper anyway, right?... Grrrr. At least I can still put it on the wall in the camper. Squirrels, Squeals, and Propane Though the temps were uncharacteristically warm when we arrived, there was still snow on the mountains and not a leaf to be seen in Jefferson. Spring comes hard in the north country. I wish that was the worst of the NH return. Instead, we entered the house after driving all night to find it completely trashed by squirrels and mice. I parked mom in her chair in the living room and we spent the next three hours after arriving (after driving all night) trying to vacuum and clean the floors and surfaces enough to even be able to feel safe letting the dogs inside from the porch where they'd been banished and the cat out from the carrier. What a mess! The (hopefully) final squirrel was ushered out through the porch door on morning after our arrival. I confess, the memory of a very surprised Jeffrey at the dining room table and his reaction to his surprise furry breakfast companion does bring a smile to my face at the thought, lol. Squirrels are only cute OUTSIDE. A good warm meal might have helped, but apparently the propane tank was empty, so the only cooking that could be done was on the camper grill I’d left in the garage, or the counter oven/air fryer. I decided to just pretend I was camping.... Plumbing Woes Ah, but it gets better. While helping with outdoor cleanup, Jeff heard water running despite the warm, dry weather. It appeared to be coming from outside under the mudroom. I recalled the helper from a previous winter mentioning something about a leak under there, but I never really understood what he was talking about. I guess this was it. We shut off the water to deal with it the next day. At least it was warm so the heat wasn't as important. Besides the toilet upstairs wasn’t working anyway, so I already had to fill the tank manually. What’s a little more inconvenience at this point? The next day I pulled on the work clothes and dove into the leaking panel. Despite careful planning in the removal of the panel, I was rewarded with a gush of copper colored water bathing me, while dropping a long section of copper piping in my lap. Great. I did some problem solving to help shut off the water supply to this area before Jeff pointed out it was not just one panel, but two. I was less strategic with this removal, not caring what mess would emerge. Maybe not my best decision. Soaked insulation fell in clumps around me as Jeff stared at me in disbelief at my impulsive move. A shower would have been great, but we had no water, so a trip to the pond to at least wash off my truly “copper-toned” my feet and legs had to do. The outside pipe was still dripping, but not pouring water after I attempted to shut off the water to that zone. Listening to the clanging pipes trying to get water to the hot water heating system told me a call to the furnace guy was in order. He said he would come the next day, and we would once again leave the water off. In the meantime, Jeff and I got the propane tank filled. At least we could use the stop top again right? Well, that would have worked great, but the top of the tank apparently has a leak at the turn on value. Probably why it was empty in the first place. I’d like to think I would have caught that if I hadn’t been so overwhelmed with everything else. Back to camp cooking... The furnace guy arrived early the following morning and shook his head in disbelief. He has been at the house so many times this fall and winter, that we are now on a first name basis. We tried to isolate the zone, but it still was dripping. Turns out the drip was the least of our problems. When the leaking pipe ran all winter, it apparently ran the well down, pulling in silt into the furnace pipes, and burnt out the auto fill, the circulator and the motor. Sometimes, there truly is no rest for the weary. May It quickly became clear that my planned quick return to Ohio to get the camper and take it for the camping weekend to meet my favorite cozy mystery author Tonya Kappes was not going to happen. It was salt to the wounds and a deep felt disappointment as I once again watched plans for me get pushed aside to deal with everything else. This caused me to recall a discussion I had been in recently when someone stated that stained glass is most beautiful in darkness when it is lit by a single light. Maybe this is my stained glass window phase, I thought.  The camper series was the first of Tonya’s series I discovered, just about a year ago as we made the long trip back to NH from Ohio listening to audiobooks. The titles of the books in the camper series all have three words that start with the same letter which give a clue to the story within. I was immediately hooked! They not only gave me the escape and virtual friends I so needed, but eventually also introduced me to a group of actual women through a Zoom book club lead by Tonya herself! I so look forward to this group every month. It's a really fun community where we can share our joys, struggles, and laugh a lot, as well as discussing Tonya’s and other author's books. It really has helped create a spark and been a bright spot each month. After listening to one of her recent releases, I decided to use her formula to create my own title for this period in my life. I came up with “Setbacks, Stamina, and Stained Glass”. I think it fits.  Jeff and I did what we could to clean up, fix up, and bandaid everything in NH until I could come back. We needed to leave to get Jeff back for a job he had lined up in VA and to get me back to finish up and get my camper in Ohio. We ended up doing another all night drive, and as per usual, little went according to plan. But eventually we all got to where we needed to be. The weather was now warmer in OH, so it wasn't as hard to finish the camper setup. A perk of being back in Ohio for Mother's Day was an amazing visit from my daughter Kari and her husband Patrick. The weather was gorgeous, the food was yummy, and my heart was full. The down side was that it made it that much harder to know we had to leave again. Next Steps After the camper was ready, I pondered my next steps. NH was waiting with all the projects waiting for attention, but my missed camping excursion made me cranky. Instead of turning right around and going straight back to NH with the now loaded camper, we combined our next move to allow Mom and I to try out the new camper while connecting with Jeff again in VA. We were still trying to sort out his car situation, and every time we thought we had it fixed, it wasn't. There could be a whole blog post of activity from just that last sentence, but know it was more or the same. Rise, persevere, continue. Mom was a trooper, and we got a quick education on my new camper and towing setup, while boondocking at several Richmond area Boondockers Welcome homes. Even in the rain, there were some lovely moments, especially when Jeffrey showed us around some of his favorite Richmond sites. Mom marveled at how tall the trees were. I must say, she loves our drives and travels! Eventually, Jeffrey was united with a working vehicle, though it took three attempts with various repairs to get it so. We were assured it was now a solid vehicle that should last for years. More on that later....  PerspectiveAll our daily concerns became trivial when we learned of the sudden and horribly aggressive cancer death of a young cousin, taking him from running 25 miles a week to his death in just over a couple weeks time. He left behind a wife and two young daughters, and a thriving PT practice. It was devastating to everyone who knew him. We lost his mom too soon just a year and a half ago, so this seemed a cruel and heartless blow to the family. Suddenly, the frailty of life was brought into perspective. We were able to time our trip north to allow us to attend his service, and hold our family close. Since the service was held in RI, we were able to savor a quick visit with my uncle and aunt who live there. My visits with them have always been a time of healing and rest for me and this time was no different. Views of the cove, and walks to the beach combined with good food, company, and furbabies began to pull me from the winter depression and darkness I had been trapped in. They are moments I hold dear and cherish.  I knew I had retreated more and more into isolation as I tried to save all the energy I had to fight the battles that never seemed to end, on top of the daily grind of caretaking. I didn't want to share or write anything on FB, because I wasn't not looking for sympathy, and I didn't have an inspiring story of overcoming to share. It was all I could do to rise and meet each day’s challenges before collapsing at the end of the day, only to repeat it day after day. That wasn’t me. I want to live with hope and courage in the face of adversity. I want to find joy and live with a sparkle I could share with those around me. Instead, I was living in dread of what each day would bring, knowing this only gets better after it gets worse and that there is no end in sight for the path I am currently on. I know I have much to be grateful for, but my gratitude seemed to be gobbled up at the end of the day with exhaustion.  Recently though, I found a quote that gave me a glimmer of hope. It was from a book we read for my zoom bookclub. It was a simple line from another cozy mystery book called “Beyond the Boardwalk” by Summer Prescott. “Rita squared her shoulders, held her head high, and marched to the door. If there was a crisis, she would handle it. That was her superpower.” Wait, that’s my superpower too, I thought! Then I found another quote from one of my favorite retailers “Natural Life”. “It’s ok if all you did today was survive.” Yes! Surviving matters. Continuing matters. It isn’t just the big wins that count, but the showing up every day for the same mundane, but equally important tasks that matters.   I looked back at my pictures searching for that quote and saw pictures of the moose Jeff and I saw while in NH in April. A blessing indeed! There were silly pictures with Jeff. and I. Further back there were pics from an IKEA trip that I thought mom might enjoy, while forgetting how hard it was to get through that store, and where I subsequently lost, but then found through a good Samaritan, my phone. The stories may not be the joyful ones I want, but they are still stories, and If I look closely, there is always a spark of light in each one, even if it is small. My stained glass moments. So, my inspirational message to myself and anyone else reading this is sometimes just showing up is a victory. Doing it repeatedly is a superpower. Stamina, in the face of adversity is how you get through. Life isn’t just a series of sprints. Sometimes, it’s a marathon. This has been a very long hill I have been climbing, but I have continued to climb. It’s not just the big wins that counts, but all the mundane little ones along the way that move us forward. It IS ok if all you did today was survive. I think I’m going to start posting hopeful and encouraging quotes to my “Hope4life180” page again, if only to remind myself that every day I rise is a day already won. When I start to post pics of my pups again and comment on fun “National Days of…” you’ll know I’m beginning to emerge from the cave. For so long I haven’t been able to share anything light because it seemed to dismiss the heavy darkness I fought behind the scenes. But I have begun to notice moments of joy again and see that even a dim light can light the way. That is hope. June I wrote the above in May. Before I could find the will or time to post it, June had arrived. Upon arriving again in NH, it held cold, rainy, weather, and an overgrown field demanding attention to keep critters at bay while the fur babies played, not to mention all the bandaided things we left in April, still needing attention. The well water is now discolored, so we are getting water every few days from a nearby spring for drinking and adding addressing that concern to the ever growing to do list. The latest sucker punch is that the car we worked so hard to repair and get to Jeff was stolen, with much of his day to day and treasured items, as he was traveling in it at the time. It has been a nightmare of calls to insurance and the police, that has recreated sleepless nights and a weariness that has once again settled deep within my soul. Everything that needs to be done here at the house is overwhelming, and the toll of number of times I have to go up and down the stairs to my childhood bedroom every day, along with all the outdoor tasks, have brought a level of physical fatigue I haven't felt since, well, last summer. I’m not ok, but I’m holding onto hope that I will be. For now, my fur babies lay at my feet, sensing I need their presence to ground me in a sea of uncertainty. The forecast keeps calling for warmer weather, but northern NH hasn’t seemed to get the message. The calendar pic above that I borrowed from a friend can add more rain to days 28 and 29. I long for temps above low 70s. I'm holding out hope mother nature will be kinder in July. But I’m trying to dig deep. I choose and put on my ZOX bracelets with intent to remind me of the messages hidden on the inside that I need to hear. Still I rise. Never give up. Continue. The bracelets I struggle to put on are the ones reminding me care for myself, and choose my needs. I think that choice is the hardest, and yet it is screaming in my ears and heart, if I choose to listen. But it is stirring, and I’m allowing myself to hear it as a whisper, and that is a start. Baby steps. Posting this makes me say it out loud, admit it and sets a path for me to follow with some accountability.  Recently though, I had a moment that made me smile, gave me hope, and joy all at once. It is related to a previous post I wrote about " Finding Joy". I've inserted the link below in case you are interested in the back story. This story begins last summer when 2 friends and I emptied the final items from the old camper to be stored until the time came to use them again. While we were packing, I suddenly remembered the "joy" sticker from the above post. I asked them about it, when I realized its previous place of honor was no longer in the camper. My friend swore it was in one of the boxes, but couldn't recall which one it was in. I knew it was in there somewhere, and accepted the fact that it would surface again when I needed it. Fast forward to last week while I was trying to decide if I could make space for my small portable DVD player, in a camper that has space, but apparently not the weight allowances for all I want to travel with. As I pulled out the Vera Bradley bag that held my mini player, I gasped! There it was. My JOY! Not only had I found it, but it was stuck to one of my old business cards from when I had the Purple Moose Discovery Center, my children's museum, and motivator for my Purple Moose books.  The symbolism was not lost on me! I still have a long way to go, with many hard hours of work and maybe some tough decisions to possibly make, but the truth is, I literally once again found my joy. I'm still learning how to hold onto it in a sea of challenging days and activities, but the fact remains that it has once again been found. And now that I've found it once, I have to believe I will continue to find it in wonderful, surprising, expected and unexpected locations if I just keep looking.  Today that came as a random song on the radio. It was an oldie from Jodee Messina that lead me down a delightful rabbit hole of music that filled my heart, and had me singing along loudly! Well, until mom complained about the music being too loud, lol. Figures we were on our way back from getting her ears cleaned out and her hearing aids tuned up, lol. Still, once I put in my single headset to sing to, my vocals were the first time I had sung in months. Talk about losing a huge part of yourself! Once we got home and got everyone settled inside, I might have even taken 10 minutes to sneak into the car alone and crank my awesome car stereo I've never really taken advantage of and sang along at the top of my lungs. Hey, it was raining, no one was on the road and I'm in rural NH. It's a perk, and one of the rabbit hole song seemed appropriate, in message and weather.
May these moments of joy continue to multiply and be enough to fuel the hope I need to get through whatever challenges each day brings.
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